


My Heart Aches For You

by nautical_2



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Gen, i have approximately 5 regrets, this is at least 4 of them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 09:40:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13292145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nautical_2/pseuds/nautical_2
Summary: When Younghyun is sixteen, he thinks he falls in love.My take on the mv’s because I've been needing to scream about them for like seven years so that's what this is yeah





	My Heart Aches For You

**Author's Note:**

> what is a timeline?  
> The title comes from “When you love someone”, by Day6.

When Younghyun is sixteen, he thinks he falls in love.    
  
Obviously, this is not the case. She is beautiful, and her smile lights up his world and her laugh soothes his misshapen heart but he is not in love with her. He loves her, but isn’t in love with her, and this lasts approximately six months before he realizes that no, he cannot fall in love with this girl because yes, he is gay.    
It’s a revelation.    
It’s a travesty.    
  
They fight, unsurprisingly, because when people are confused they turn angry and that’s not good for anyone. He fights and yells and says stuff he doesn’t mean (he hopes she doesn’t mean the things she says either) and just like that, he’s no longer in love. They’re no longer in love.   
  
But it’s hard. It’s hard to one week revolve your life around someone and the next week be completely alone. It’s hard to know someone so closely and deeply and to have someone know you that anything they say can rile you up. It’s hard because he can destroy her but she can destroy him too, and that sense of vulnerability is something he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to get used to.    
  
It’s hard because before, he was nothing like his father. He was hard working and talented and invested and now he’s angry and destructive and saying things he shouldn’t be saying and doing things he shouldn’t be doing to people that don’t deserve it and-   
Well   
That never turns out well for anyone.    
  
\---   
  
The boy next to him likes to sleep in class. He’s undeniably good looking- and smart, too, because there is no way the two of them are the same age.   
Most of the girls follow him around with stars in their eyes, stars that he either cannot see or ignores entirely. The obvious infatuation bothers Younghyun for reasons he shall not name, and he wants them to be quiet so he can think and breathe and is consequently threatened to death, of course.   
  
_ She  _ doesn’t follow this kid (Dowoon) around, though.  _ She  _ stays with Jae, who protects her and watches over her and makes sure that no terrible boys approach her and pretend to love her like one did when Younghyun was sixteen. When they bump into each other in the hallway, Younghyun shares a glance with her that is filled with utmost fury (and hidden confusion that Younghyun  _ hates _ ), and ignores the fact that Jae is the one picking up her things when it used to be him. But that’s to be expected, really, and he refuses to feel any more sorry than he already is for the things he did (the things he said).    
  
But Dowoon. The kid occupies his mind for some strange reason, and it bothers Younghyun to no end. He shouldn’t be jealous- it’s not like he actually wants random love confessions and gifts given to him on the roof of the school, but there is something about it he just can’t (doesn’t want to) put his finger on.    
  
\---   
  
Sungjin, the awkward boy who sits across the room, has a crush over on her. His best friend, Wonpil, who is so desperately in love with him, encourages it (and Younghyun can never understand how he does this). Jae, who Younghyun has never officially met (because he dated  _ her  _ before the two of them became friends) but knows of, is her best friend and is not in love with her.    
  
There are people all around him that do not understand, that will not understand- that cannot understand.    
  
It has to be like this. There is no other option.    
Not for him, anyways   
  
\---   
  
Dowoon, as it turns out, is more than smart- he’s incredibly smart. Stupidly smart. Despite sleeping in class all day, he manages to race through the problem on the board when called upon. Younghyun is more than a little bit jealous.    
  
This jealousy turns even more bitter, if possible, after class. It’s his lucky day, of course, which means that he gets to clean up with the one person who hates him most in the entire school.    
  
It goes terribly.    
  
Younghyun doesn’t mean to be an asshole. Very few people make a conscious effort to be rude to the people around them. It’s just. It’s just that she hates him so obviously and so openly that he can’t help but to return the favor. She snaps at him and he snaps back and he doesn’t mean to be an asshole but if he stays in this room any longer he’ll implode. Or explode.    
  
So he leaves.    
  
And he can hear her exhausted sigh, how tired she is of him and of what he’s doing to her (what he’s done to her), and it’s better like this.    
  
\---   
  
It’s not that he didn’t love her. He did, honestly and truly, but it was more like the way a brother loves a sister. He never looked at her the way Sungjin looks at her, the way Wonpil looks at Sungjin, with hearts in his eyes or love on his lips. He regrets that now, that he let her believe he could love her when all he can ever do is hurt her.    
  
Dowoon makes him feel things he does not want to feel. Things he does not know how to feel. Younghyun’s messed up, in a way that no one around him understands, and he’ll be damned if he lets all this shit in his heart affect those around him (the way his father did to those around him).   
  
It’s better to ignore things like this.    
So he does.   
  
\---   
  
His house is stuffy. It traps him, makes him feel closed in and claustrophobic. It’s too big for two people, yet too small all the same.    
  
The arcade is stuffy in a different way. It reeks with the smell of smoke, and the clang of metal coins and machines hurts Younghyun's head. Still, it’s better than the never ending suffering that permeates through his home, where he lives and breathes and  _ hates _ .   
  
Except Dowoon is here. Dowoon is playing a fighting game, lost in his own little world, like he usually is. To make matters worse, he’s also really good- like he usually is. Younghyun watches him carefully (because he’s long ago lost interest in his own motorcycle game) and notices that the other boy never once hesitates, never once doubts his actions. He wins again, and again, and again.    
  
He wins something in Younghyun’s heart, again and again and again.   
  
The man he’s fighting is older, and angrier. He feels more, because Dowoon is the type of person who seems to feel very little at all. Dowoon wins again, and Younghyun watches as the man completely loses it. Overcome with emotions with anger, hatred, shame he approaches Dowoon and taps his shoulder and raises his hand and-   
Younghyun, it seems, has been overcome with emotion as well, because he’s standing in front of the angry man, blocking his hand from hitting Dowoon.    
  
Emotion is his demise. It’s what makes him weak, so willing to back down when it hurts, so willing to fight when it aches. It’s what ended his relationship and his friendships and his family, but if it means protecting Dowoon, then perhaps he’ll succumb to it once more. Just for him.    
  
But Dowoon leaves, walks away, and Younghyun feels a piece of himself leave with him as the man hits him across the face instead.    
  
\---   
  
It’s midnight, and Younghyun is hungry, and he hates his job. This, somehow, turns into him walking from the arcade the extra kilometer it takes to get him to the only other convenience store in the neighborhood that’s open this late.    
  
To his surprise, Dowoon is there. And Younghyun may be weak and withdrawn and  _ shy  _ but he’ll be damned if he lets an opportunity like this pass him by again.    
  
So he sits. He sits and he stares, because Dowoon for once in his life is staring back. It feels weird to have the full attention of someone who never pays attention to anything, ever, but it’s nice at the same time. Younghyun can’t help but to wonder what exactly runs through Dowoon’s mind every second of the day- what he’s thinking when his fangirls are chasing after him, what he was thinking when he walked away from Younghyun and the angry man, what he’s thinking right now as Younghyun gestures to his face and split lip and bruised cheekbone and complains to fill the silence.    
  
Dowoon pulls out an egg.   
  
He pulls out a hard boiled egg and pushes it towards Younghyun, and he takes it because what else can he do? But the egg is hot, and maybe Dowoon has been thinking of him because he puts the egg under his eye and it hurts, but Dowoon’s laugh makes it better.    
  
The heat in his cheeks takes away the sting of the punch, and Younghyun holds tightly to belief that it comes from the egg and nothing more.    
  
\---   
  
On the last day of school before break, Sungjin confesses to her. Or maybe he did it the night before. It’s nothing dramatic, though, and Younghyun wouldn’t have known about it were it not for Sungjin’s sullen eyes and Wonpil’s even clingier presence, as though he is being paid to wrap around his best friend like a koala. He sees the way Sungjin’s eyes follow her in the halls but refuses to let himself actually look, and how Wonpil’s eyes do the looking for him, making sure she’s alright and he’s alright and loving way too much for his skinny body to handle.   
  
He looks sad, but Younghyun wishes he could love someone as much as Wonpil loves his best friend.    
  
\---   
  
Younghyun hates his job. He hates his job because his boss is mean to him sometimes, and accuses him of things he did not do. He hates his job because no one he knows has a job, and he can see his classmates hanging out with each other through the dirty windows of the shop. He hates his job because those that do have a job don’t really need the money. He hates his job because his mother is working herself to the bone and he hasn’t seen his father since he was five, and both he and his mother know that it’s not like he can get into university anyways with the grades he has so why does he even try and save up the money to go?   
  
Younghyun hates his job, but he would rather suffer in a constricting convenience store than go home.    
  
He takes a walk before work- not because he wants to buy things, or because he has friends, but because he can’t stay at home and not remember all the suffering that has occurred within those four walls.    
  
He goes to the mall, because that’s where all teenagers go when they have no money to buy things and no friends to talk to. He makes sure to look through the window of each store carefully, as though he actually has interest in what is being sold.    
  
Younghyun looks through the window finds something in the music store that he cannot buy, not now, not ever.    
  
Normally, he avoids the music store because it reminds him of all the things he cannot have. It reminds him of his father’s old electric bass and amp hiding in the closet of his room, because his mother cries when she hears it but he practices sometimes anyways. It reminds him of  _ her _ , and the way she would play guitar, the way he would play with her, and the way she plays guitar with Jae now, spirited and happy. It reminds him of yet another thing he cannot allow himself to love because it would hurt the people around him too much, and he cannot be like his father.    
  
Younghyun looks through the window of the music store and sees Sungjin and Wonpil, laughing together as they play.    
  
For once, Wonpil is not looking lovingly at Sungjin. He is focused on the piano, on the monochrome keys, but it is easy to see that they are connected closer in this moment than they normally are on a day to day basis. Sometimes, Sungjin will look at Wonpil, and Younghyun almost believes for a second that he could love his best friend back.    
  
The moment is over. The song ends, and the few meager people in the store who were paying attention clap for the two students. They laugh, and bow. Younghyun looks on through the window as Sungjin gives Wonpil a perfunctory hug and knows he can never have anything like what the two of them share.    
  
\---   
  
Younghyun leaves the mall after that. There are plenty of things he hates about himself, sure, such as the things he says to others when he's overcome and confused and lets go of his control and the way he vehemently hates who he is and where he's from, but he doesn’t quite hate himself enough to stay and watch two people who love each other love each other.    
  
He walks past the neighborhood where all the rich families live, with their western designed houses and the money dripping from the walls. Normally, he doesn’t let himself look, but he accidently tilts his head and sees a shock of dark hair on the roof of one particularly tall building and he can’t be sure but he’s almost completely positive he recognizes that head.    
  
Dowoon is drinking on the roof of a building that probably costs more money than Younghyun has seen in his entire life. It’s not illegal drinking, because he can see the straw and a faint shape of the plastic bottle, but it seems almost like it should be.    
  
Dowoon is… sad. He’s sad and Younghyun doesn’t understand because Dowoon is indifferent. He’s happy, sometimes, and cold other times. But Dowoon on the roof looks sad and lonely and contemplative, and it shocks Younghyun just how much he wants to climb the building like a creep and ask if he’s okay.    
  
Dowoon finishes his drink with a sigh before standing up and heading back down towards the stairs. Younghyun does his best to duck out of the way, but he shouldn’t have worried, because Dowoon doesn’t see him. Doesn’t look for him. He just climbs back down into the building and closes the door behind him.    
  
Belatedly, Younghyun realizes that this is Dowoon’s house. That he lives here, in the middle of one of the richest neighborhoods ever. That quiet Dowoon, indifferent Dowoon, lives in a house (a mansion) that probably has three flat-screen tv’s and a roomba. And he remembers the sad look on Dowoon’s face, how desperately lonely he looked, and wonders about all the different ways people can suffer.    
  
Younghyun thinks of the easy camaraderie that Sungjin and Wonpil had in the music shop, how easily they trusted each other, relying on one another for rhythm and melody and harmony. He wonders if he could ever have anything like that with someone (with Dowoon) before remembering that no, he should not.    
  
It’s better this way.    
  
\---   
  
Work is work, and Younghyun hates it. He sits at the checkout counter and rests his arms on the sticky surface before taking his phone out. The owner likes to pop in randomly, sure, but there’s no one here, so he shouldn’t care that Younghyun isn’t really “working”.    
  
Until  _ she  _ walks in.    
  
And he doesn’t know if she sees him but he definitely sees her. He smells her perfume and hears the quiet squeak of her shoes against the floor and he dreads what is to come, because he makes her angry and her anger makes him feel pathetic, and the only thing worse would be if the boss walked in right as they begin to fight.    
  
Luckily, he walks in before.    
  
And Younghyun has never stolen money before in his life- he’s considered it, especially at times like this where he is angry and confused and his mother is hungry, but while he’s never actually done it the boss is convinced that he has, and the only emotion running through Younghyun as this old man searches through his pockets is embarrassment.  _ She  _ could be watching- hell, she probably is watching and laughing at his struggle because she hates him and has every right to do so.    
  
She saves him.    
  
She argues with his boss and grabs his arm and leads him out of the store to the nearby park, and Younghyun knows he won’t have a job tomorrow but maybe that’s okay because he hated his job anyways (just like he thought she hated him).    
  
“I hate people like that.” She yells to the sky, swinging on the playground furiously. Younghyun hums a noise of confusion, of agreement, and watches her closely while staying a safe distance away on his own swing.    
  
“I hate how they think they can do whatever they want just because they have power.” She waves her arms wildly in the air. “People who make up lies and accuse others of wrongdoings just for the sake of arguing.”    
  
He sees Sungjin and Wonpil, in the corner of his eye, across the street. She keeps talking, but he doesn’t know how to tell her that they’re there, that they’re there and they’re watching the two of them and they’ve probably gotten the wrong idea. 

 

He keeps his eyes focused on her, though, because for once she is shouting expletives about someone who isn’t him, and he’s forgotten how beautiful she can be when she’s heated and passionate about something she cares deeply about.   
  
“It makes sense why you hate me then.” He interrupts once they leave- because he needs to say something before she forgets that he hurt her, and oh how he wishes he didn’t, but sometimes there's just no controlling his tongue and really, this has been a big problem for a while.    
  
“I don’t hate you.” she tells him, and Younghyun has no option but to scoff at that.    
  
“Really.” She says, earnestly. Honestly. It hurts. “It was easier to try and hate you but I can’t.”   
  
“I would hate me if I were you.” Younghyun replies, carefully.    
  
She looks at him, studying him for one dizzying moment the way she used to. “That’s awful.” She whispers. She doesn’t sound sad, not really, but there’s an air of melancholy around her that Younghyun refuses to investigate.    
  
“It’s just.” She stops there, looking for words. “I loved you. And you told me you loved me too, that you loved me back. And every day for a month you repeated those words to me until the day you told me you were gay and that you were breaking up with me.”   
  
Younghyun looks at her closely because she has tears in her eyes and he’s never seen her cry. He looks at her closely because she is beautiful and some part of him wants to know what she will say next, but another part of him desperately wants to run and find somewhere safe to hide until the world has forgotten him and he can breathe again.    
  
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He says, lips numb. “I just didn’t know what to do, and I know it was unfair to you and your friends and that it was a really shitty thing of me to do.”   
  
She doesn’t look at him. She hasn’t looked at him since the moment she looked at him as though she could see into his soul. “You were my first love, you know.” and oh, how that breaks his heart.    
  
“You were my first love and I know first loves don’t last forever but you hurt me and I wanted to make you hurt the same way I was hurting.” She looks at the ground, at the sky, anywhere but him, but Younghyun knows somewhere deep inside that he’s not being lied to.    
  
“It was a shitty thing of me to do.” He repeats, because what else is there to say?   
  
“It was an awful thing of you to do.” She agrees, quietly. “We said terrible things to each other that I’m positive neither of us meant.” She takes a breath. “But you can’t hate your entire being over one mistake like that.” Younghyun looks at her earnestly, but she doesn’t look at him, won’t look at him, and it doesn’t hurt but he feels like crying.    
  
“What do you mean?”   
  
“I mean,” she waves her arms some more, “I mean that it sucked for me yeah, but it also probably sucked a lot for you. And it’s probably better that we ended anyways, because we were young and you didn’t like me the way I loved you, and now you can move on and find someone better and live the way you’re supposed to. Happy.” The last few words come out in a rush, and she blinks furiously to keep the tears in her eyes from falling.    
  
Younghyun wants to reply. He desperately wants to say something, ask her how she can forgive him for every awful thing he’s done to her and everyone else, but his throat is dry and he can’t feel his lips and something inside him aches deeply.    
  
“You shouldn’t hate yourself for what you’ve done.” She says, and finally she looks at him. She’s no longer on the verge of tears, but he can see that a part of her has broken- is broken. “Learn to love yourself, Younghyun. Learn to love others.”    
  
“I don’t know how.” The words are forced, but he chokes them out anyways, because she needs to hear the things he has to say before they’re lost in the wind and in his mind, never to be remembered again.    
  
“Sure you do.” She laughs, and he wonders how she can act so ridiculously happy because the sound is bright and carefree. “You loved me, didn’t you?”    
  
“Of course.” He replies immediately, because he did love her, loved everything about her, just-   
  
“Just not the way I wanted you to.” She finishes his thought quietly, and the smile they share is one of resignation and understanding. It feels like a cooling balm compared to the fury, and hatred, the pure despair that he’s seen from her the past year or two.    
  
“You should-” his voice cracks, and she giggles a little bit. He does too. “You should try to move on too. Find someone new.”    
  
She regards him with a serious stare, a dramatic turnaround from the previous mood. “You mean Sungjin.”    
  
He coughs. “Well. That is certainly an option.”    
  
She smiles at him, and it’s a sad smile but a happy one all the same. “I’m still in love with you.” She says, scrunching up her nose. The words drip with a truthfulness that pierces his soul. “Or, at least, the image of you I’ve made in my head.” Seeing his confused looks, she continues.    
  
“I put you up on a pedestal during the time we were dating. I think it’ll take me a little longer to take you down.” And he understands- really, he does. He understands because while she’s been idolizing their past relationship he’s been tearing himself apart, and the same way he needs to lift his image of himself up she needs to tear her image of him down before she can love someone else.    
  
“I’m sorry.” He says, and she laughs again. They both know that he shouldn't be the one apologizing, that it’s not his fault but he’ll beat himself up over it anyways because he feels so much for so many people. (he loves way too much for his body to handle).    
  
“I can’t love Sungjin.” She says simply. “But isn’t Wonpil in love with him anyways?”  Younghyun stares at her. He shouldn’t be shocked she’s noticed, but he kinda is, because it seemed as though she had never paid any attention to the other boy whatsoever.  “Yes? I think so.” He says. She laughs, and that’s that.   
  
“What about you though?” She inquires. Younghyun makes another noise of confusion.    
  
“Do you have your eyes on anyone?” the way she wiggles her eyebrows when she asks this question irks him more than it should.    
  
“Does it matter?” he shoots back.    
  
She holds an offended hand to her chest. “Of course it does! I thought we were having a heart-to-heart and catching up the way old friends do!”   
  
They laugh. Younghyun wonders if he can be honest, if he’s brave enough to make things real out loud and in his own mind. The two of them have already come so far, fought through so much, it would be cruel to deny her this.   
  
“Yoon Dowoon.” Is what he says, and his heart beats wildly in trepidation but the words taste sweet in his mouth.    
  
She looks blank. “Well.” She says, before shrugging. “All the pretty  girls love him, so I suppose you must too.”    
  
Younghyun gasps, surprised. She laughs hard, and he doesn’t know when she stopped swinging but she bends over and kicks violently to start up again.   
  
Her nonchalance eases something within him he didn’t know was stressed. The way she accepted the situation so easily, so calmly, makes him wonder if it’s really okay to have a crush on Dowoon.    
  
“Hey.” she says, still swinging, but looking at him. “Are you okay?”   
  
There are so many layers behind that question. Is he okay with himself, is he okay with where he’s at at this moment, is he okay with their relationship now that they’re not fighting and not in love.   
  
Her nose crinkles again when she asks, and he wants to tell her that she’s cute and she’s beautiful and really, he did love her, but he doesn’t know how to say it. Instead, he laughs out a quick “yeah” and hopes she can’t hear the fear in his voice.    
  
Fear of messing things up. Fear of saying the wrong thing, exploding their peaceful coexistence into something volatile once more. Fear of letting go, of being left behind. Fear of being like his father.    
  
“You’re not like your father.” She’s still swinging, not looking at him. He starts, not realizing that his emotions are so obvious, even to the person who used to know him best. (But of course she knows, she was the one who held him through tears on the anniversary of his father’s leaving and packed him a lunch during the days before his mother got her paycheck).    
  
“You’re not like your father because you’ve learned.” She continues. “You’ve made mistakes but you’ve done your best to make up for them, and I haven’t seen you blame anyone but yourself for what happened. You love so much and I can’t imagine you leaving me-” her voice breaks “or even Dowoon on purpose the way he left your family. You’re angry, yes, and emotionally expressive and violent, but you’re young and you can learn and you’re nothing like your father.”   
  
Younghyun is quiet. He wonders if it’s appropriate to let himself cry, to finally let go and feel. “Dowoon looks like he needs someone to take care of him.” He says, and oh how he wishes he didn’t, but sometimes there's just no controlling his tongue and really, this has been a big problem for a while.    
  
She keeps swinging, and the creaking of the chain helps keep him grounded. He does not swing with her.

  
The thing is, Dowoon looks like the kind of person people ignore. The kind of person people look at and admire and then forget about within a moment’s notice. It’s not that he doesn’t think Dowoon can take care of himself (because he is rich) but that he thinks Dowoon needs someone to love him. Which is scary, because Younghyun has never been in love with a single person all his life.    
  
“Then you’ll take care of him.” She says, interrupting his thoughts some time later. “Because you loved me, and you’ll love him.”   
  
Younghyun smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> Things no one needs to know but i’m sharing anyways:  
> \- i originally wrote Younghyun as brian but changed it because the name brian brings back bad memories for me. Also google docs tried to change brian to brain and i cried  
> \- this idea has been in my head since like. October. I know im late. Pls let me live  
> \- i hate writing and only wrote this because i needed to scream. It is unbeta’d. I hate dialogue. I also have like 500 run on sentences. I deeply apologize  
> \- i didnt mean to make it sad but im a hoe for backstory  
> \- im also a hoe for younghyun  
> \- i tried to reference as much day6 as i could (especially “i loved you”, in case that wasn’t immensely obvious) but theres also a slight blink-and-youll-miss-it all time low reference to my favorite song by them and im absolutely not sorry for that  
> \- i rewatched the three mv’s like 200 times while writing this and tried to make it as accurate as i could but also pls remember that im like 5 and i know nothing about anything so there are mistakes  
> \- im sorry i didnt name the girl im not korean i dont want to offend anyone by makin up names, yknow?  
> \- talk to me pls im bored. [tumblr.](http://www.highlightjunhui.tumblr.com)


End file.
